6 Everyday Things No Self-Respecting Man Should Do Naked

Britain's University of Nottingham field hockey team (men playing field hockey? Yeah, Europe is tres weird, right?) recently played an all-nude match to stop homophobia in sports.

Their hearts are in the right place (literally -- we can see them since they're shirtless), but couldn't they have had a bake sale or something? We're not being homophobic. It's just the male body is like a bad Internet headline -- it's not enticing.

We're well into the 21st century, so, much like our short-lived love affair with Ace of Base and low-calorie beer, it's time to kick homophobia to the curb. Still, there are just some things men should not do naked. Playing sports -- yes, even field hockey -- is right up there.

What else is there? Glad you asked. Here's a handy checklist for you.

• Eat -- Again, a woman can be sensual when doing this. But the thought of a man enjoying a slice of pepperoni is not appealing, especially since you just know he's going to drip sauce somewhere sauce is not meant to be dripped.
• Play Video Games -- Men tend to get worked up playing video games. They sweat and jump around. Like an Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie that's made anytime after 'The Wedding Singer,' it's just not a good idea.
• Mow the Lawn -- No clothes, a sharp blade. Need we say more?
• Look in a Mirror -- But, how are we supposed to really know what we look like? Good question. Here's a step-by-step solution:

1. Get a job
2. Stay employed long enough to get health insurance
3. Find a doctor in your network
4. Make an appointment to see said doctor
5. Take off your clothes when he/she asks during the exam so he/she can see what's going on
6. Get dressed and go home

• Go to a Bar -- Laying it out all so women can see what they're dealing with may sound good in theory (kind of like an Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore movie), but it's not. Women like confidence, but not this kind of exhibitionism.
• Vote -- Don't show off your pole at the polls. Civic-minded people are apt to call the authorities very quickly.