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If Video Games Cause Violence, Then I Should Be A Farmer + 5 Other Actualities

sxc, mrwrite
I'm a gamer and I have been my whole life and will defend them for the rest of my life. I've always heard that video games cause violence. I find that hard to believe since the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, the Holocaust and the war of 1812 happened years before Mortal Kombat, Halo and Grand Theft Auto.

Well, if video games cause violence, then that means video games also cause other lifestyle traits. Since I play video games, here are some things that should pertain to me, but doesn't.

If video games cause violence, then…


sxc, NightLord_
sxc, NightLord_

...I should be a farmer.

 
 

Thanks to farming games, specifically Farmville, I should be the best damn farmer this side of the Mississippi. I just plant some crops, raise some animals - easy enough, right? Yeah, not so much. It takes a lot of work and a lot of patience which I won't do and I don't have. I leave it to the mock-farmers on Farmville to get the job done without getting their hands dirty or stepping in anything.

 
Flickr, epicbeer
Flickr, epicbeer

...I should be able to pay for anything with bottle caps.

 
 

Whenever I play the Fallout games I can walk into any shack, store or lean-to and shell out a handful of bottle caps for a few drinks and a new hat. If only I could do this in real life. Getting the bottle caps would be the easy part. I have a half rack of bottle caps in the fridge right now. The only problem is if I want to buy beer, I need to drink the beer for the bottle caps in order to buy more beer, which will also get me more bottle caps. I'll never understand how that refund system works like it does in Oregon.

 
Flickr, basheertome
Flickr, basheertome

...I love throwing birds at pigs.

 
 

And not just pigs. Wooden structures, glass barriers, anything that's in the way, I need specific birds to take care of those. The angrier the bird, the better. Nevermind using something heavier like a bowling ball or sledgehammer, an angry bird is exactly what I need to tear down some walls in my house. Why not? It works for Angry Birds.

 
sxc, guitargoa
sxc, guitargoa

I should be able to run, nonstop, without slowing down

 
 

Holding 'B' in the Super Mario games will make you run. The only problem is there isn't a vitality meter or heart monitor. If I were in the Mushroom Kingdom, myself, I would get winded so quickly jumping all over the place, kicking turtles out of the way, dodging them when they come back at me. Not for me, but it works in the Mario games so I should be able to run as much as I want without getting worn out.

 
sxc, flaivoloka
sxc, flaivoloka

I love drawing something

 
 

Okay, to be fair, I do like to draw. I'm not very good at it, but I'm good enough for people to take a guess what I just drew. When it comes to the game Draw Something, I'm even worse as I've never been into finger painting. But, if video games cause violence, then thanks to games like Draw Something, everyone's an artist. And you can sit there and say they are, but I've seen other people's drawings. Trust me, not everyone is an artist.

 
Flickr, maxstrz
Flickr, maxstrz

I can really play the guitar.

 
 

Guitar Hero, Rock Band and other fun, music-based games made rocking out easy without ever taking a lesson. The only problem is these games turned a lot of jukebox heroes into believing they actually do rock in real life. No, no you don't . Yes, the game is fun. No, you really can't play the guitar. The drums, it depends and yes, you do need to sing well enough, but the guitar - forget about it. Put it back and take real guitar lessons.

 

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