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Man Claims Stolen Beer Is His Weener

Beer in pants

In a wicked world of dishonest boozehounds and ripple junkies, one should never be too surprised by the size of the cojones on these shifty characters; that is, unless the bulge in their pants carries a striking resemblance to a couple cans of beer. At that point, you can rest assure that you are being ripped off. 

That’s what a clerk of a Massachusetts liquor store had to find out the hard way. Earlier last week, police received a report that a female employee at Woody’s Liquors spotted a man stuffing two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon into his pants and then walking out of the store as if he had just stopped in to browse. (Note: Most people do not window shop for beer.)

However, the clerk was not about to let the culprit get away with his little booze heist. After pursing the bandit up the street, she asked him what was bulging out of his pant leg and ankle. And in the truest form of thug-a-vision, the man replied, “It’s my [pecker]!” Yet, the women was quick to point out to the man that if his wiener did in fact reach his ankle, he certainly would not have to resort to stealing beer. That’s when the fiend got desperate; chucking a can of beer at the clerk’s head and howling off into the night.

When police finally caught up with him, he told them that what happened between him and the liquor store clerk was none of their business. Unfortunately for him, officers did not find his retaliatory efforts very charming; they pummeled him to the ground and slapped a set of cuffs on him. For the sake of posterity, the man cautioned officers that if they were not wearing badges he would have killed them all.

The man was charged with threat to commit a crime, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, shoplifting by concealment and resisting arrest. There is also a rumor going around that prosecutors want to charge him with forcible sodomy, simply because he put his junk too close to a can that didn’t belong to him.

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