Todd’s Take: First Day of Fall = Decorative Gourd Season!
Today is the first day of Autumn which means one thing in my house. Time for the annual recitation of Colin Nissan’s classic essay, “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf—–s“.
I admit, it is lesser-known and less traditional than reading “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, but I’m confident that once you read it for yourself, it will become a staple in your family for years to come as well.
Here is an excerpt from the masterpiece, originally published on McSweeneys.net back in 2009:
“I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some f—ing gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table.
That s–t is going to look so seasonal.
I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker f—er, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables.
When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO!
Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, a–holes.
Guess what season it is — f—ing fall.
There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant f—ing squash.”