Today is the first day of Autumn which means one thing in my house. Time for the annual recitation of Colin Nissan's classic essay, "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf-----s".

I admit, it is lesser-known and less traditional than reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", but I'm confident that once you read it for yourself, it will become a staple in your family for years to come as well.

Here is an excerpt from the masterpiece, originally published on back in 2009:

"I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some f---ing gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table.
That s--t is going to look so seasonal.
I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker f---er, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables.
When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO!
Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, a--holes.
Guess what season it is — f---ing fall.
There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant f---ing squash."