Is This the Worst Vacation Picture Ever Taken?
Be glad you aren’t spending time with anyone in this photo. This is how we think this picture happened:
Despite the fact that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are on ‘vacation,’ the day begins surprisingly early. Kim has to budget about two hours for a natural hair and make-up routine that will make her look fresh and flawless for when the paparazzi, whom she invited to the remote resort, happen to catch a few candid shots of her out by the pool or leaning over her suite’s balcony railing in order to maximize the full cleavage shot. Kanye has to flex in front of his mirror and chant a variety of mantras and inspirational maxims he picked up from ‘The Tao of Pooh,’ a few Tony Robbins’ seminars and the second ‘Karate Kid’ movie.
Meanwhile, Kanye’s assistant is holed up in the closet weeping and frantically searching Google. Apparently, Kanye won’t let her out until she finds a fur coat for his fur coat and she doesn’t even know what that means. Sometimes she likes to remind herself that she went to Vassar. Who said that music theory degree was a waste of $100,000 dollars?
The most important morning activity involves the tweet selection. What salacious tweet will Kanye post about nailing the oldest Kardashian only to be deleted after the necessary gossip blogs snap their obligatory screenshot?
What scandalous picture will Kanye snap of the couple while doing the deed only to have it “hacked” out of his phone and posted online?
Before Kanye and Kim pull the trigger on each tweet, Kris Jenner is given final approval of all outgoing materials. She makes sure all faces are obscured to provide the necessary plausible denial and runs the verbal tweets through her stringent matrix of algorithms and SEO generators to make sure each is of interest to the various gossip blogs, news outlets, and comedians making up the panel of that evening’s ‘Chelsea Lately.’
The morning activities also give Joe Francis the head start he needs in the elaborate ‘Most Dangerous Game’- type fantasy weekend they’ve constructed. It’s the price Joe Francis pays to get to hang out with celebrities like Kanye and Kim. Sure, Joe has built an empire out of exploiting drunk college girls who are willing to expose themselves for some plastic beads, but he’s only a few more lawsuits away from losing the villas and yachts and the other accoutrements that make the glitterati want to associate with him. Without all that, Francis is just a frat boy with a camcorder. He wasn’t born a socialite like Kim and he hasn’t achieved fame and celebrity through an artistic body of work like Kanye.
Plus, Kim can’t help but turn her nose down at the legions of young women who flash themselves on camera in exchange for anything less than instant celebrity and a multi-season reality show deal. Talk about low self-esteem.
Anyway, in keeping with the hazing, Joe spends the morning running through the resort, trying to make the most of his head start. After breakfast, double K click some matching Louis Vuitton straps onto their tranquilizer guns and take their sweet time ambling through the resort, holding hands while Kim talks about what color Swarovski crystals she wants to glue onto her phone. They’re also taking their sweet time because they know exactly where Joe is hiding out because they’ve paid resort workers to hide out along the grounds and keep an eye on him.
Some might say this takes all the fun out of the game, but then again, the thud Francis makes when he hits the ground after getting shot out of a tree with a tranquilizer dart is pretty satisfying. After Joe regains consciousness, Kanye and Kim haze him a little more before allowing him to take a picture and tweet it, thus giving him his precious celebrity story.