A lot of people share something they are thankful for through out the entire month of November. One thing for each day. Most of them are thankful for friends, family, health, etc. All the things to be truly thankful for. But there are a lot of things you should be thankful for that never crosses your mind. And since I have been too busy to do a “thankful day” each day this month… here’s my list, with a little reason why.
30. That pigs don’t fly. I’ve seen the mess birds leave on my car… I don’t even want to imagine.
29. Slow computers. Life goes too fast. These pieces of crap remind us to stop and smell the coffee. Plus, if the future does happen like movies Terminator & Matrix say they will, it’s nice to know just before the computer does its deathblow, it’ll freeze up and ask us if we’d like to reboot and continue killing us.
28. For being bald. I wake up in the morning, this is as good as I’m going to look. Not to mention the money I’ve saved over the years by not buying shampoo.
27. Crowbars! The number one Zombie Malay Weapon.
26. That most things taste like chicken. Because if most things tasted like squid… well I would be a lot smaller.
25. That Emperor Palpatine had a 2nd Death Star. Otherwise we’d never get to meet the Ewoks.
24. Side air bags. On long road trips… tap it just right, BOOM! Instant pillow = nap time!
23. Batman. The one shining light letting us know that violence IS THE ANSWER!
22. I saw a guy return a hamburger yesterday at a fast food place because it had bacon on it… I’m thankful I’m not that guy!
21. A roof over my head. Because if it was under my feet, then I’d be sleeping outside and it’s been cold lately.
20. That the microwave does not run when the door is open. This little rule has saved so many in terms of young scientists.
19. Grass not being able to scream. Mowing my yard every week would be a horror movie in the middle of the day.
18. I am thankful that I’m not on fire… cause that would suck. Especially in a no smoking section.
17. That “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” got canceled. Let’s face it, our tv shows are info are being beamed into outer space and Alien life forms are using it to judge us, we really didn’t need anymore of that.
16. They haven’t made a fart scented scratch and sniff sticker… and if they have no one has given it to me.
15. Yoga Pants! On nice ladies they’re awesome… on me they’re stretchy
14. Porn Stars knowing when to throw in the towel… i.e. *** rag.
13. Infomercials. Without them I’d be rich… (I said I saved money on shampoo, not that I invested it wisely)
12. The Horse Whisperer. Because I’m sure the Horse Screamer would frighten horses.
11. Craigslist. The only place where you can find a couch… and a person to spend time with on that couch. Sometimes in the same search.
10. That mom can tell if we have a fever by placing her hand on your forehead. Because a finger in the bum to take your temp is awkward.
9. That cars don’t have feelings. As many times as I’ve called mine a “Piece of S***”, I’m sure it probably would have offed itself by now.
8. Flip-Flops, or as my grandpa use to call them. “A high price to pay for going barefoot”. I’m thankful for these because I hate them, but my wife loves them. She wears them till it snows. And they are much cheaper than normal shoes.
7. The lack of child labor laws when it comes to families. I had my little cousin mow my entire yard for a batman sticker! TAKE THAT UNIONS! I did tell him if he heard the grass screaming he was doing a bad job… towards the end I hid behind him and yelled “ouch” just to watch and laugh… He’s not my brightest family member… but the hardest working for stickers.
6. Socks! Multiple uses. Feet warmers, also for feet cushion, add with quarters for fast handy weapon, add with orange for handy less bruising weapon. Cheap puppets. Masturbatory aid. The possibilities are endless.
5. Certain Coffee Stands. Where I can find great taste & pompous @$$holes all in one place!
4. Wingless Spiders. Yeah, just be thankful Spiders don’t fly!
3. Phone insurance that covers me getting mad and chucking my phone down the street (has happened twice).
2. Circumcisions at birth (day after)… because I do not want to have that as my first memory!
And the thing I am most thankful for…
1. All of the normal stuff, My friends, family, wife, health, jobs and listeners! All of You Rock! Love You & Happy Thanksgiving!