(Editor’s Note – A recent study out of Ohio State University claims that the average man thinks about sex 388 times a day. We had to run our own test, and by we, we mean Amit.)

Once again, I’ve been called upon to deliver hard-hitting front line journalism. Yes, I’m quickly becoming the go-to guinea pig, and why not? I enjoy subjecting myself to humiliating social experiments (remember the Hitler Youth Haircut?) and what’s more, I already sleep on a pile of damp wood shavings.

This week’s assignment? Keep a running tab of every sex thought I have within a 24-hour period and spill all the dirty beans (figuratively). The reason being not only to fulfill my editor’s perverse personal needs, but also to provide a follow-up to this study from Ohio State University.

Apparently Professor Terri Fisher, PhD of OSU, wanted to test the urban legend that men think about sex every seven seconds and that women, in comparison, think about sex far less each day. As such she rounded up a few hundred students to go about their day while documenting each time their mind popped a sex thought.  I assume the lecture went something like this:  Good morning, class. Take this golf tally counter, click it each time you get a flash of the hornies; then, return the counter in seven days. Class dismissed.

Her findings were rather revealing — turns out while men do think about sex more than women it’s way less than the every seven seconds theory (that would amount to 8,000 times in 16 hours). Not even Charlie Sheen sitting on a pyramid of blow could accomplish that.  It’s more like 19 sex thoughts per day for men, though some had as many as 388. I suspect most of the 388s spent their days locked in their dorm room watching Friday Night Lights in the dark. Women held their own, just behind the men, at ten sex thoughts per day, although some climbed to 140 thoughts. You go girls. I’m glad my Facebook pictures could help.

What’s probably most revealing about the entire study is that thoughts about food and sleep far outnumbered sex thoughts. That means given the opportunity to imagine making love to Minka Kelly, napping or scarfing down a meatball hoagie, Kelly comes in dead last. That’s just sad.

And now onto my research…

Upon waking yesterday, I threw my mind and crotch into the scientific ring and concluded the test this morning at approx. 8:40AM. Unfortunately, I didn’t have one of those snappy golf tally clickers so I had to keep track less scientifically… by masturbating.

My grand total sex thoughts were 34. Fine.35. Nice legs are nice legs. Label me if you must.

For organizational purposes I will break it down as follows:

Sex thoughts in the morning = 1: While staring at my morning wood while peeing I remembered a dry-hump dream with some sort of vague woman-creature. I’ll chalk that up as thought #1.

Sex thoughts while commuting = 8: I tend to fall in love and want to make sweet loving to 2 to 3 women per subway ride. Perhaps it’s some sort of “This subway is an island and I must find my mate” syndrome. Or, more readily explained by that fact that NYC women just be looking hot and we’re all cramped and in motions—huddling together in dark tunnels.

Sex thoughts at work = 8: There’s always the thrill of seeing good looking women at work, sporting a new outfit or hairstyle. On this day, I caught myself sex-thinking two women in particular.  Who says staff meetings are pointless?

NOTE: Yes, by 4PM I did consider myself nothing but a nasty, leering mass of repressed testosterone.

Sex thoughts post work = 13: The walk through town and to the subway is glittered with sex thoughts. The buttoned up happy-hour hotties bustling through the streets, the ads on the sides of the bus, the big ‘Victoria Secret’ billboards, the magazine stands bursting with those butt mag covers, and then of course, back to the subway again. Or the ‘lust tube’ as it will be referred to from here on out.

Sex thoughts at night = 4: Home with my honey. The distinction between sex thoughts and cuddle thoughts sort of blur here. After a long day it was more like, “Let’s curl up and make fun of Fox News,” than “Let’s watch a Latin game show whilst making filthy love to each other.”

Sex thoughts morning = 0/1: Woke up from a being-chased nightmare and thought zero about sex until the old morning pee at 8:41AM.  “Hello, penis my old friend.”

And now onto my analysis…

I’m a mammal with two eyes, two balls and too much time on my hands. I should probably spend my free time willing myself to read Proust and ‘The Economist,’ but instead, I let my crotch take the wheel. I’ll eye-hump anything that moves and spend most of the day unconsciously sniffing for my next hit of hot. What can I say – ‘to be horny is to be human.’ Maybe a bit more than Professor Fischer’s average, but still far from… R. Kelly at a pep rally. And for that, I am grateful.

Now, If you’ll excuse me, I have a lip-smacking bowl of cereal I need to sexualize.

Amit Wehle is an essayist, screenwriter and registered thoughtsmith. Follow him on Twitter @AMITWEHLE, read his musings on sex, relationships and general human suffering here or wonder why his own website hasn’t been updated properly here.

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