Todd & Timmy’s “Shower Thoughts”

Join me, Todd E. Lyons, Esquire, and Timmy every weekday at 8:10 for a daily dose of wacky wetness when we reveal our "shower thoughts". I prefer "Rock Jock Rain Locker Talk" but that's just me.
What exactly is a "shower thought"? You've mostly likely had them countless times yourself and just didn't realize that's what it was.

According to UrbanDictionary.com, a shower thought is described as:
"An idea, thought, or concept that first comes to you when you are taking your morning shower or doing some other part of your morning routine.
*Often an epiphany
*Often sudden
*Often marked by the inability to recall later"

If you have a shower thought of your own that you'd like to share with us, send it via the KATS mobile app and we'll read it live on the air from out virtual "rain locker", aka shower!

Enter your number to get our free mobile app

Here are some of the past musings:

""Mother In Law" is an anagram for "Woman Hit-ler".

"Insurance companies would save us so much more money if they didn’t spend our money constantly replaying annoying commercials telling us how much money we’ll save."

“Cracksmith” is such a better title than “Drugdealer."

"Of course things are "Always in the last place you looked", why would you keep looking after you found it."

"If your sleep schedule is effed up enough, you can be both a night owl AND an early bird."

"The reason gunslingers had their duels at high noon was so the sun wasn’t in either one’s eyes."

"Why do we sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' when we're already there?"

"If you’ve been on a roller coaster ride that takes pictures,
there’s a chance that you’re on a picture in stranger's house."

"It must have been significantly harder to feed a toddler before the invention of the airplane."

"If you had the power to be invisible you could beat the shit out of a mime and
everyone would think that he’s doing a really good job."

"People that can’t afford to use condoms really can’t afford not to use condoms."

"I hope that when I die, lots of people show up to my funeral and say, 'Man,
that guy owed me money."

"Adulting is the transition from not swearing around adults to not swearing around children."

"At the beginning of the history of knocking on doors, someone stood outside and thought,
"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me."

""I need to talk to you" is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember
every bad thing you've ever done in your life."

"The Stormtroopers in Star Wars must be awesome at playing Russian Roulette."

"If "tater tots" were rebranded as "potato toddlers" they'd probably be less popular."

"If you put your head up against someone’s thighs and listen closely,
you can hear them saying «What the fuck are you doing?"

"Being able to get a trucker to honk their horn simply by pumping your arm is a superpower
you mostly lose when you become an adult."

"When buying something from a store for $1.00, we think it’s super cheap, but on the App Store,
it’s seems super expensive."

"For all you know you might be immortal. Nothing has killed you yet."

"The makers of Where's Waldo could waste thousands of hours from people's lives
by just not adding him in one picture."

"Babies don't know dreams aren't real, so they must think they have some
seriously bad-ass adventures with you every day."

"There is probably a You Tube video that answers your question,
but it is labeled wrong and you can’t find it."

"If you don't wear the right clothes when you go for a jog,
you look like an insane person."

"If you ever win the lottery, the one thing you for sure will never have to do
is research your own family tree."

"How come Halloween is the only time of year that we really think twice about our food being poisoned?"

"You can tell someone that you went back in time and killed a historical figure that doesn't even exist
and they can't prove you wrong."

"If life is a game, gravestones are participation trophies."

"Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the 5 stages of waking up."

"Telling a drunk woman to calm down has the same effect as baptizing a cat."

"Every decision in your life led you to this moment and this dumb-ass sentence."

"You only have to read so many bumper stickers before you realize that there's a giant
a-hole in the car in front of you."

"Men and women stare at opposite walls while they pee."

"Gravity fighter sounds much cooler than weightlifter."

"Getting a fake I.D. must be super-easy in LEGO Land."
"
The “I have to pee” dance is probably the oldest and most
up-to-date dance in the history of the world."

"Have you ever noticed that the Facebook reaction buttons look like a
relationship from start to finish?"

"How did they measure the size of hail before golf was invented?"

"They never tell you how much time you’ll waste as an adult trying to
decide whether or not to keep a cardboard box."

"The richest guy in the world is named Jeff."

"The only thing more annoying than hearing your alarm in the morning
is hearing someone else's alarm."

"The idea of “six degrees of separation” becomes a lot more scary
when it comes to the spread of a virus."

"It must really hurt when pornstars come home to their significant other
and tell them they had a great day at work."

"Cold weather shows just how addictive cigarettes are."

"Yellow traffic light bulbs probably burn out a lot less frequently
than the green and red ones."

"People ask you what’s your favorite number, but never ask what’s your favorite letter."

"How come Halloween is the only time of year that we really think twice about our food being poisoned?"

"You can tell someone that you went back in time and killed a historical figure that doesn't even exist
and they can't prove you wrong."

"If you ever win the lottery, the one thing you for sure will never have to do is research your own family tree."

"If life is a game, gravestones are participation trophies."

"Every hand you shake has probably had a weener in it at some point."

"If a chip company decides to market their bags of chips as “actually full” they would probably be very successful."

"When playing truth or dare, kids are afraid of the dares while adults are afraid of the truths."

"It takes you 12 days to turn 1 Million seconds old, but 31 YEARS to turn 1 Billion seconds old.
Now imagine those seconds are dollars."

"When you're a kid you think about how awesome your life is going to be when you're? grown up. When you're an adult
you think about how awesome your life was when you were a kid."

"80 percent of items in stores are either in a plastic container or wrapped in plastic but we can't get a plastic bag
because it's bad for the environment."

"If Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street had an environmentally concious brother,
he would probably live in a recycling bin."

"The only difference between being murdered and being assassinated is how important you are in the public eye."

"There is no way of telling if the perfect crime has been commited."

"It's highly probable that someone has your dream job and is complaining about having to go to work today."

"Farts are kind of food ghosts."

"Every addict started by trying something new."

"There will be a point in your life when "You look 40" turns from an insult to a compliment."

"Spicy is the only taste your butt can detect."

"We wanted to be Toys”r”us kids, and now we are. We’re both bankrupt and empty inside."

"Judging from the amount of lint that comes from a drier, if you wash and dry your clothes enough times, they will eventually disappear"

"When someone tells you they pay taxes, they are about to be a dick."

"Chances are, you did some weird stuff in someone’s dream at some point."

"Standing still in the street and staring into space will seem strange but with a cigarette in your hand it is completely normal."

"It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that you're a nice person."

"Humans are technically percussion instruments. If you hit them with a stick, they make a sound."

"You can gauge whether or not you're about to do something stupid based on the amount of people pulling out their phones to record it."

"Our sun is part of other planetary systems constellations. In other words, we could be Orion's dong."

"Does it bother anyone else that the guy from that 'Operation' game was clearly wide awake?"

"People wear slacks to work and sweatpants to relax."

"If God is love, and love is blind, and Stevie Wonder is blind... Is Stevie Wonder God?"

"One cool thing about global warming is that someday we will have world maps with Antarctica having an actual color other than white."

"I'd never buy a used mattress, but sleeping in a hotel is fine."

"If we had to dump our own household trash in our backyard for one week, we would seriously reconsider our own impact of environmental waste."

"Jobs reject you for not having enough work experience when your purpose of applying was to get... work experience."

"You know society is on the downtrend when the news is forced to explain to people how to properly wash their hands."

"The quickest way to sober up during a night out is to pat your pockets and not feel your phone."

"Bob Ross could be a serial killer and his paintings are the locations he buried the victims and he refers to them as “happy little accidents”.

"It's surprising how unimportant everything else seems to be when your really have to poop."

"Taking a dog from its owner is a crime, but taking a dog from its parents is normal and accepted."

"Evening news is the only TV programme where they start with “good evening”, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t."

"As kids, we were taught to not enter strangers cars. Now, we summon strangers from our phones and get into their cars."

I wonder if the band “The Wallflowers” is still around, or are they and we just don’t notice.

Pacman was the original Ghostbuster

Somewhere in the world, there’s a serial killer watching a documentary on another serial killer thinking to himself, “He didn’t get that one, dat mine.”

You know you’re an adult when you realize grimace is a giant butt plug, then suddenly you realize how he got his name.

Typing a whole paragraph without really thinking or looking at the keyboard seems normal, but reciting the whole keyboard beyond QWERTY seems impossible.

College is the DLC of education.

How can there be self-help groups?

Recliner Chairs are comfy to sleep in! Unless you are FORCED to sleep in it!

Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of that person’s mind forever.

Based on the number of times I've failed those captcha tests, I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not a robot.

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

What does Original K taste like?

So… was Humpty Dumpty depressed, drunk, or clumsy?

Your shin is a better device for finding furniture in the dark, than a flashlight.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing section in a swimming pool.

Do you think the top part of a mermaid also tastes like fish or that it would actually be red meat? Would there be a solid line where the meat changes in their body or would it kind of blend? Could you make a surf & turf platter with just one carcass?

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

If you fill a bong with rain water… is it twice as illegal?

If you can’t identify a species of bird, technically it is a UFO.

Organized religion stole my foreskin.

Church is a book club that reads the same book over & over again every year.

No matter what, a saw will always be cutting-edge technology

Volleyball is just hot potato that has gone pro.

Vulcans are just space elves.

If you’re ever caught naked in public, it’s actually a better idea to just cover your face.

It’s pretty wild that we use to eat cake after someone had blown on it.

From a dog’s perspective, vacuuming must look like the human is wrestling a loud robot monster around the room, before finally killing it and hiding the corpse in the closet.

A sorry for your loss card a day late is still heartwarming, a “sorry for your loss card a day early is suspicious and perturbing.

What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?

Once you read the dictionary, the other books just become remixes.

“Turn the volume up” and “turn the volume down” both can make you sound old

Regardless of Michael Jackson’s gender identity, I bet his pronounces were heee & hee heeee.

If Dwayne Johnson stole a diamond and was sent to Alcatraz… the headline would read “the rock is sent to the rock for stealing a rock”

There are a lot more grenade pins in existence than grenades

The hospital you were born in, is the only room you exit without actually entering

With the significant decline in global air pollution, it’s a really good opportunity for google & spy satellites alike to take new pictures of earth

Dragons probably think it’s so cool that other animals can produce water in their mouths

When you bark at a dog and they bark back, they’re probably just correcting your grammar.

If there’s hair in your food, the hair is disgusting, but if there’s food in your hair, the food is disgusting

If you rob a bank, you will have no problem with food, rent, taxes for multiple years, regardless of your success.

If C3PO ‘s arms weren’t so restricted, he would know 6 million and 1 forms of communication

Rock’s don’t’ break, they multiply.

Why don’t we use Parrots as translators between ducks & humans?

When an earth quake happens, coffins become underground maracas.

The most successful serial killer ever is probably a truck driver that targets dad’s going out for smokes.

The reason we only ever lose one sock is because if we lost both, we wouldn’t realize it.

39 Years ago 2 people had sex... and now I gotta go to work everyday

Wearing your face mask in the shower… is like self-water-boarding!

Pizza is a real time pie chart of how much pizza is left.

The fact that we know Chameleons exist, means they are worthless idiot failures.

The word Short, is longer than the word LONG

If we remove all the laws, the crime rate would be 0%

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When pigs fly? Will the hunting rate skyrocket? What about car insurance rates?

A Hot pocket is just an Italian burrito.

I want to create a product called "I can't believe it's not Shave Butter

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

If the guy in the Pina colada song has been with his lady too long, how in the world does he not know she likes Pina coladas? They had to have gone to dinner or had drinks multiple times throughout the relationship... does he just not notice what she orders? Likewise, how does she not know he likes them? It seems highly improbable that you can just hide your affinity for Pina coladas from someone you're in a long term relationship with… COMUNICATION!

It’s assumed that passing away in your sleep is a peaceful way to go, but in reality, it could be the scariest possible night-terror ever.

Eating ramen with chopsticks is normal. Eating spaghetti with chopsticks is "weird."

Butts are the only thing you hit to show how much you like them

With so many unemployment claims, the unemployment office is probably hiring

There are 492 Billionaires on this planet and not one of those losers has decided to become batman

When a UFC fighter finishes in 40 seconds, everyone cheers, but when I finish in 40 seconds, my wife is not happy for me.

Snoring is basically bragging about being asleep

Before the internet, we use to think stupidity was because people lacked access to information… it wasn’t that.

People who push both elevator buttons should get their wish.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

You're first birthday is actually you're 2nd birthday

Every year on the calendar we pass our future death anniversary

If dogs have treats that clean their teeth, and that technology exists, why are we still brushing?

If you clean up a mess after an ant has already left to report back to his colony you're essentially making him look like a liar

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

What do taste buds taste like?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Baseball's all wrong! No one could possibly walk with four balls.

We are not afraid of being alone in the dark, we are afraid of NOT being alone in the dark

Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.

Dinosaur meat tastes like tall old chicken.

In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

The first time a stripper jumped out of a cake, must have been the most legendary bachelor party ever!

When it comes to fictional bears like Winnie the pooh & Yogi… Smokey the Bear must have a really big dick.

Everything in the universe is either Pizza… or not pizza.

Are there any animals that are addicted to humans

If a guy from Iceland marries a girl from Cuba and they have a kid… will it be an icecube?

If Olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Sleeping 8 hours a night seems normal, sleeping 4 months a year seems CRAZY!

Some people shout “fire” to save lives. Some say “fire” to end them.

What if Pinocchio said that “my nose will grow!”

If there is a zombie outbreak in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?

What if the light that you see when you die… is you being pushed out of a vagina into  your new life?

“I’m Sorry” & “My bad” mean the same thing… unless you are at a funeral

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

If guns don’t kill people, people kill people… does that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, toast toasts toast.

A difference between a good meal, and a good time, is where you put the cucumber!

If I'm ever on death row, I want my last meal to be 400 kernels of unpopped popcorn, just so it'll be exciting when I'm cremated.

Telling my friend to "Just hang in there" probably not the best  thing to say concerning his suicidal thoughts.

People who say “no pun intended” are cowards. Intend you puns you weaklings!

I'm not on first name terms with my parents.

Is sand called "SAND" because it's between the Sea & land... Sand?

Why do people who use baby changing stations always come back with the same baby?

You think the ocean is salty because the land never waves back?

They say Rome wasn’t’ built in a day… but on the other hand, it only take a day to burn that mother down!

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Why is the 3rd hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

What if dogs lick us because we have bones inside us and they want them

How could their only be one girl Smurf?

If trees release oxygen, then are we just breathing in tree farts?

While you’re waiting for the waiter, in that moment do you not become the waiter?

If a priest blesses an avocado, would it be holy guacamole?

I bet the first open heart surgeon was pretty disappointed to open the person up to find the heart, isn’t heart shaped.

If a donkey is an ass and a sheep is a ram, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?

Loneliness is cured by paranoia

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only deader.

People will accept your idea much more easily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, he sings.

A taco is a beef love letter in a corn envelope that you mail to your stomach.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

The Letter “W” starts with D.

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

Honestly, the Star Wars saga is just the story of three generations of people bullying C3PO

Do regular dogs see police dogs & think, “crap, the fuzz!”

Although frowned upon, it's not illegal to call a toddler an asshole

It’s frowned upon to wear your birthday suit, to a gender reveal party!

The alphabet is terrifying when you think of it... a bee sea.... a buzzing ocean of stinging allergic death... abc... no thank you!

I bet my grade school math teacher is sorry now, because he was wrong. There will always be a calculator around!

If you accidentally rip a net, there are fewer holes in it.

French Fries were made in Grease.

The whole "don't drop the soap" joke in prisons only applies if people ignore health & safety protocol by bending at the waist rather than the knees.

In order to go to sleep, you have to pretend like you are already sleeping.

You can never fall off the floor.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Antique is just another word for second-hand.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

If you see a toilet in your dreams... do not use it!

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

Being in a nudist colony must really take the fun out of Halloween

A bartender is just a pharmacist with limited inventory

I’d have to say, out of all the inventions in the past 100 years, dry erase board is the most remarkable.

Why don't we Conserve toilet paper, & like use both sides.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

Do transformers get car or life insurance?

I bet the first person to drink milk from a cow, was either thirsty, had a fetish, or lost a bet.

C4 is just angry play-doh

One moment, you’re young & fun, the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better!

Why doesn’t Batman fight more crime with a louie-ville slugger?

What would a mime with Tourettes look like?

Why are we more formal to Mrs. Claus, than we are to Santa… always so proper with her, but the jolly fat man’s on a first name basis?

Isn’t odd and a little unfair that all the contestants in the Miss Universe competition is from Earth?

The movie title little women is false advertising... not one single dwarf in this film.

Explaining to a child that we're mortal and that death is a natural part of life, has got to be the hardest part of every party clown

You know you're a fat guy when you use a fork to open your new scale!

People say nothing is impossible... but I do nothing every day.

I just realized I watch gymnastics for the same reasons I watch NASCAR... For the wrecks

Outside of dogs... a book is a man's best friend... inside of dogs, it's too dark to read.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Or at least a really really gouged up face!

Scientists say we only use 10% of our brain... I wonder what the world would be like if we used the other 60%?

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.

Pokemon is just cock fighting for children

Mac & Cheese with ketchup is just hobo spaghetti.

In Disney’s little mermaid, Prince Eric can’t speak to the animals like Ariel can, so the song “Kiss the girl” must have been a very troubling 2 minutes for him.

So many people these days are too judgmental, I can tell just by looking at them.

There are literally NO rules, saying your new year's resolution can't be for evil

Who would win in a fight… Artificial intelligence or natural stupidity.

Did James Bond just get a license to kill. Or did he have to get a learner's permit first?

On the box of Twinkies it says “made with all natural flavors”… what in nature tastes like a Twinky?

Why hasn’t Smuckers & KY teamed up to make the ultimate Jelly

Does killing time damage eternity?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

What happens to werewolves during an eclipse?

Do employees of the Lipton Tea company take coffee breaks?

Romans came up with a symbol for the number 5 before they came up with one for the number 4.

Would a fish smoke a cigarette with it’s mouth or gill?
"'Good things come to those who wait' and 'the early bird gets the worm' are two things we’re taught as children that contradict each other."

"I'm more likely to trust someone who is "99% sure" rather than someone who says they are "100% sure".

"Some people's parents were born in this century."

"It feels way more awkward to sit on the bus next to someone you vaguely know than a complete stranger."

"It seems unfair that elevators have music but stairs do not have music."

"Somehow, the three bears cooked porridge in one pot, on one ring, on one stove, then doled it out into three separate bowls
and it went to three different temperatures."

"After all this time, shouldn't Bon Jovi be at LEAST 3/4's of the way there by now?"

"The dustier a plunger is, the cleaner it probably is."

"Ben Franklin never knew his face would touch so much cocaine."

"It’s funny how all the sudden lots of jobs can be done from home."

"Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country."

"Right about now would be the perfect time to get all those road construction projects done."

"Dear, Autocorrect: I'm getting pretty tired of your shirt."

"It's OK if you fall apart sometimes. Tacos fall apart and we still love them."

"Everyone knows who "that guy" is, but he is almost always never described."

"At some point, somebody at google was like: "Hey, lets photograph every street!"

"In a way, March Madness still happened."

"Maybe once we fall asleep our nipples grow faces and talk to each other and the reason we wake up during the night or something is
because they were talking too loudly."

"It is entirely possible that every human starts life with 3 wishes, but inevitably wastes them by age four on things like extra juice boxes and getting a puppy."

"It's ironic that you'll drown if you can't swim but after you die you'll float."

"Chances are, there are some really pissed off people around the world who recently finished their house arrest sentence."

"Some parents probably spent last week realizing their kid's teachers/school aren't the problem."

"If you wore a mask while making masks, you’d be a masked mass mask maker."

"Even with a fraction of the cars on the road, there are still some pretty bad drivers."

"When our grandchildren ask us where it all went wrong, a sizable number of us will mention a gorilla getting shot."

"Scooby Doo was the most mysterious creature the gang ever knew of but it was never investigated."

"Having both stupid and incompetent characters show up in disaster movies ended up being a lot more realistic than previously assumed."

"You never think about how many "handles" are in a building until you are taksed with cleaning them all twice a day."

"Cujo is the only movie where you actually want the dog to die."

"If someone had told you on April 1st, 2019, that a year later the entire world be locked down with thousands dead, you would've thought they were bad at April Fool jokes."

"It must be really hard to be an IRS agent with an Indian accent."

"You could probably defeat a medieval army just with a decent sized magnet."

"If you hear birds chirping before the sun's out, you're either ultra productive or you've lost control of your life."

"You can tell how dull a knife is by how far it launches the piece of carrot you are chopping."

"Spell “muffins” backwards. It’s exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven."

"Bologne is a hot dog pancake."

"How come pot isn’t available for half price on 4/21, just like candy is the day after Easter."

"Left handed people notice other left handed people, but right handed people do not notice either."

"Someone has probably fantasised about killing you."

"Willy Wonka probably had requested a lot more oompa loompa songs that they didn't get to perform and we will never hear
because the kids failed before they'd reach their department."

"A snake would use a pool noodle as a life jacket."

"Your mobile phone keeps you connected with those far away from you, and disconnected from those close to you."

"We were all at one time the youngest baby on Earth."

"A gambling addiction isn't really a problem until you start losing."

"Spider-Man almost certainly has auto-rotate turned off on his phone."

"The average number of legs per human is fewer than 2."

"If you were, indeed, bulletproof, you would probably live your entire life without knowing."

"If you live in the same house for more than 150 years, then you know it’s haunted."

"People's hate for Carole Baskin really shows our willingness to listen and follow the ramblings of a crazy man with charisma."

"Bros before hoes will one day be known as an ancient proverb."

"The word "hyphenated" isn't hyphenated but "non-hypenated" is."

"Yoda was the ONLY character in the ENTIRETY of the on-screen Star Wars canon to die of natural causes."

"When you learn a new word you start hearing it everywhere and before learning it you never knew it existed."

"If you hired a hit man on yourself but also hired a bodyguard, your life depends on who’s better at their job."

"South Park really has a lot of stuff to cover in their next season."

"If our age counted backwards it’d be terrifying. You’d always know how many years you have left before it hits 0."

"If our world believed in reincarnation more than any other kind of happening afterlife, then, instead of "R.I.P.", our gravestones instead would have "B.R.B."

"If Kim Yo Jong becomes dictator of North Korea, there’s gonna be a lot of rule 34 about it."

"If the Devil was really evil he would set hell to be way better than heaven so people would wanna go there by being evil their whole life."

"If all those Greeks had just stared at Medusa's breasts instead of her eyes they'd have survived."

"Butter is abused milk. Cheese is neglected milk."

"Everyone is brave until the cockroach flies."

"The spot where the vacuum is stored is probably the least vacuumed spot in the house."

"When people "nail" something, they did a great job. When they "screw" something, they ruined it."

"Every odd number in English has the letter ‘e’ in it."

"Everyone who has ever played the original Duck Hunt tried to shoot the laughing dog at least once."

"Scooby Doo taught kids there’s no such thing as ghosts, but it isn’t any more comforting to think that shadow
chilling in your bedroom corner at night may just be a deranged theme park janitor in a monster costume."
"A truly “smart” TV would have the option to automatically turn the volume down during the commercials."

"When the Jurassic Park dinosaurs chased vehicles they were breathing in the exhaust fumes from burned dinosaur remains."

"It's not cool do dig people up after 2 years but it is cool to dig them up after 2000."

"Nothing says "trust" more than getting a B.J. from a cannibal."

"Sleeping in is much more enjoyable than going to bed early."

"One day, we’ll probably tell our kids and grandkids about how people used to blow air from their mouths onto a birthday cake before everyone ate it,
and it’ll seem barbaric."

"If ghosts were really real, we would see ghosts of cavemen and not just people from the Victorian period."

"All stairs are wheel-chair accessible in one direction."

"For something that is 70 percent water, humans have very poor fire resistance."

"If you pretend to not see someone you hate, and they also pretend to not see you, that's a lot of cooperation between two people that don't like each other."

"You exist because of a string of perfectly timed sexual encounters dating back thousands of years."

"If masks become mandatory for live poker tournaments, it will really help with your poker face."

"The only useful thing the chin does is help us fold blankets."

"If you cut a corner off a piece of paper, it gains an EXTRA corner."

"If you fell down a bottomless pit, you’d die of dehydration."

"You don't save money by quitting smoking because you live longer."

"There is a difference between saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize," which becomes extremely apparent especially when you are at a funeral."

"A papercut is the trees last revenge."

"Graduating High School is treated both as a monumental accomplishment and as a bare minimum accepted level of education."

"If our military reveals something they've been working on, they probably have something better than that."

"We're lucky farts go through our jeans and underwear. Imagine taking off your pants at the end of the day and being gassed by yourself."

"A lot of Batman villains were robbing banks and trying to get rich, and Bruce Wayne technically had
enough money to pay them off and save himself the trouble."

"If teeth kept growing out like hair, we would have "tooth cuts" and shapes would go in and out of fashion."