Russia Trumps America in First-Ever BootySlapping Championship

How did we allow this to happen, America? For the love of God, how?

Russia just skunked the U.S.A. by holding -- in Siberia, of course -- the first "Booty Slapping Championships" that involve women spanking each other as hard as possible. It's all the rage and the newest competition sweeping the Motherland, comrade.

The goal is to spank somebody so hard, the person you're spanking takes a step forward.

It's like America's sworn enemies, the Rushkis, have executed a sophisticated hack and they've been scouting my internet browser history for ideas!

This contest was inspired by an earlier Russian face slapping championship where dudes were whacking each other in the face as hard as possible and the only way to win was when an opponent submitted.

Lemme guess, vodka involved in the process, maybe, somehow, hmm?