Timmy’s Top Dad Jokes!

You know them! Some love them, some hate them. The "Pun-Riffic" Dad Jokes! Here's a few of my favorites:

• Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
• What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got tiny legs.
• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
• I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
• Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
• I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
• I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I’m a faux pa.
• I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watch dogs!
• What's brown and sticky? A stick.
• What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
• Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

• What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey.
• After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
• How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put some boogie in it.
• I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.
• This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
• A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender.”

• I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
• Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut. (Extra points for Bald Dads)
• Cashier at the grocery store: "Would you like the milk in a bag?"
  Dad: "No, just leave it in the carton!"
• I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
• Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
• My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No it doesn’t!"
• Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a back flip? I was heels over head.
• What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
• Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
• I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot.
• Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.
• Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
• What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam!
• 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
• The rotation of earth really makes my day.
• I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
• What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
• What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
• Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
• The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
• Waitress: "Please take a seat."
  Dad, picks up chair: "Where do you want me to take it?"
• What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.
• Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
• Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
• I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Happy Father's Day!